This morning I woke up as if it was any other day. I had plans to attend church per usual.
I showered. Got dressed. Made it to the table where I poured some Cheerios into a bowl.
Then it happened. Not anything that I saw coming. Not anything that could’ve been predicted. It struck in a heartbeat. I had no time to prepare my reaction. I was stunned. I gasped. I felt fear. I felt abnormal. I felt slightly incapacitated. I felt spiritually attacked. Suddenly, tears overflowed out of my eyes. I couldn’t control the flow, though I certainly wanted to. I was flabbergasted. Confused. What in the hell was occurring?
My environment was completely normal. The epitome of peaceful suburban surroundings. Grey couches. Dogs + cats. The average kitchen appliances. Sure it was a little dark outside, but the insides of the house were lit well. So what was it that came over me so powerfully? Clearly it wasn’t external factors…
It was internal forces. My mind was absolutely invaded. Infiltrated without permission. It felt defeating. I felt hopeless. I had to get to the bottom of it. What was the source? Didn’t take long to pinpoint who my adversary was once I mustered the strength to overcome the overwhelming sense of emotion.
- The human hatred developing in this country, division of the Devil, pervasive evil that honestly seems to be winning, domestic terrorism devouring this nation with ease. Beatings & senseless brutality. It’s Cain & Abel taken to a level that I’ve never witnessed before in my short lifetime. A genocide of souls. The hand-crafted beloved creation wiping itself out.
- My dad’s 55th birthday, had he still been here. I haven’t even begun contemplating the depth of inner turmoil that I’ll experience come Friday as I stand at an altar before God, friends and family whilst staring at an empty seat in the front row.
- A pool of anxiety concerning my self-image. I try a shirt on. I curse myself. I put on different shoes. I try another pair while feeling abundantly uncomfortable in my own body. I feel ugly. I feel like an idiot. I wish I could change my whole wardrobe. I’ve forgotten about the mask I wear that everyone notices. That fools them into believing I’m confident in my bodily figure. We’ll I’m not. Never really have been. Not sure if I ever will. Hope so. Because insecurities are a bitch, and inner demons suck.
That was my morning. And I share it with you so that somebody out there can relate. Not feel alone in these sorts of dreadful experiences. In reality, everyone has insecurities, demons and overwhelming emotions of sorrow and anger that come as a result of such things. And if someone says that they don’t, they’re only unaware of it at this stage of their life.
Paralyzation that begins in the mind and trickles down to the body is a very REAL thing. It’s terrifying. It’s debilitating. And it impacts hundreds of thousands.
But it does not make me crazy. Insane. A mental health project. It only affirms my humanity. Only affirms the infection of brokenness caused at the Fall. This paralyzation will not last forever. Shall not have the final word. For the time being, however, it plays a role in my story. Most likely every person’s story. Thus, it should be talked about. Should not be shunned or ignored.
Thanks for reading.